Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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