I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Do you have feelings for this penis?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
