sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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