Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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