can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
