I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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