So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
porn star boner night. come get it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
