she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
