god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
