sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
