This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
