I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
