My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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