My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
