we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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