Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
