Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
