3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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