i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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