I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
