it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
