guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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