remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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