I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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