I feel like abortions should bother me more
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's never too late to be topless.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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