My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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