i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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