piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
