Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
