theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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