First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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