I am spending my child support on dildos
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
