If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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