i would punch a child for taco bell
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
