I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
