Non-Jews are for practice
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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