i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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