When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
