I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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