She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
