Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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