I think i peed on brittanys purse
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
