Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
