I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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