an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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