that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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