So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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