The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
