My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
