Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
